This will be the only post of its kind from me, after this I'm "done".

[Y2K]

I've placed this here for anybody who cares enough to read it, the events mentioned in this piece is real and remains unaltered.

I can't say that my parents did anything wrong nor would I blame them for what happened.

I’ve always been an outsider, we moved around alot when I was younger and I got tired of making friends that I would eventually lose. I chose to keep to myself until highschool as you can imagine I was victim to the local bully.

I had almost everything stolen on a monthly basis, from stationary to sports apparel, I would allow people to walk all over me, even the teachers didn’t take me seriously. This just pushed me further and further into a hole where I kept everything inside, my parents never knew anything till the 11th grade, I was too scared to let them know what was happening because I feared the ridicule I would receive from my classmates and the rest of the grade.

A year later we moved again and I would require a cellphone in order to keep contact with my parents so they would be aware of my whereabouts after school.

It got stolen by a kid in the class, he looked straight at me took the phone and went back to his desk (he was the main bully) and I was too much of a pussy to stand up to him, I watched him take it and I just allowed that to happen (to this day I’m convinced it's caused me psychological trauma).

I didn’t care about anything in high school, my grades were shit and all I knew was that I wanted a way out.

My final year came and I scraped through, this really wasn’t a big deal to me but I made it appear that way because it meant so much to my parents.(I did it because that’s what my parents wanted.)

*It gets a little dark here you can skip but it does explain an important part of my life.*

I've posted this before on myBB.

"Got the absolute shiit kicked out of me in high school, walking to my aunts place after school, got jumped by 5 guys.

They didn't even ask me for anything, one dude just said wtp I was doing in their neighbourhood. (I'm very fair so they probably assumed I was white).

• Stabbed once in the back
• Broken jaw not to mention my teeth were and are still fuucked.
• Right leg - patellar fracture (broken kneecap and ankle).
• Both forearms were swollen really bad.

I was a big kid but wasn't much of a fighter, I did what my father taught me, back against the wall, first guy ran in and took a brick to the face (pretty sure I broke his nose).

After that they all rushed in and I was pretty much fuucked, I passed out probably due to the pain and blood loss.

Paramedics found me faced down under the bridge (where the initial attack took place)."

What I didn't mention on that forum is that all I wanted in that moment was to die, I closed my eyes and for the first time ever I wished that this was going to be my last breath. Then nothing just black, lights out, nobody home. This was probably second darkest moment of my life.

I’ve been out of high school for 6 years and I feel like I’ve made absolutely zero progress, I mean yeah I’ve learned a crap load of things but all of that is meaningless to me, the people I “befriended” aren’t really friends we just had assignments and a few classes together.

I thought I formed relationships with the people I’ve worked with but it wasn’t worth much unless they needed something.

I’ve never cared about dating, yes I’m like any other man intercouse crosses my mind very often but like anything else the urge subsides. Yes I’ve engaged in intercourse several times but it wasn’t very fulfilling because it was just lust.

To be blunt I have no friends, I live my life mainly on the internet but I hate social media/Youtube, I was addicted to videogames on and off for about 4 years. But that’s behind me.

I just feel empty overall like I have no purpose.

 

[Textile Guy]

I've placed this here for anybody who cares enough to read it, the events mentioned in this piece is real and remains unaltered.

So, heres the thing .... the fact that you can articulate it ..... means it bugs you, and you want to get it out.
Thats good.

Friends are a relative thing.

True mates, you make at best 5 in your whole life.
Acquaintances - plenty.

I am not your friend, hell you have never met me, but, if you PM me, I am happy to chat if it will help you out.
I can be an ear, and an acquaintance should you so wish.

 

[biometrics]

I was bullied at school but not to that extent. I still remember it.

 

[Y2K]

So, heres the thing .... the fact that you can articulate it ..... means it bugs you, and you want to get it out.
Thats good.

Friends are a relative thing.

True mates, you make at best 5 in your whole life.
Acquaintances - plenty.

I am not your friend, hell you have never met me, but, if you PM me, I am happy to chat if it will help you out.
I can be an ear, and an acquaintance should you so wish.

So, heres the thing .... the fact that you can articulate it ..... means it bugs you, and you want to get it out.
Thats good.

Friends are a relative thing.

True mates, you make at best 5 in your whole life.
Acquaintances - plenty.

I am not your friend, hell you have never met me, but, if you PM me, I am happy to chat if it will help you out.
I can be an ear, and an acquaintance should you so wish.

Thanks for the advice, I don't know whether I've met you before because I don't know the person behind the username, give me a bit of time I might just take you up on that PM.

 

[Textile Guy]

Thanks for the advice, I don't know whether I've met you before because I don't know the person behind the username, give me a bit of time I might just take you up on that PM.

Cool

 

[Tribs]

That is really heavy. Bullies are the worst - and it doesn't help to hear that they are that way because at some stage someone bullied them. To want to not exist anymore is a very dark place - but many of us have been at that point. Not always due to such violence though. You need to get someone you can talk to about it. You are 100% correct when you say it caused psychological trauma. And there is no quick cure to undo what was done to you. One thing you need to remember - you think you were weak then because you didn't fight back. But you survived all that - you are still here. That isn't something a weak person would have done. You can take ownership of that - you survived.

@Textile Guy guy is also right - you will meet many people in your life. You will be lucky to get less than 5 really close friends (and even then you won't tell them everything.). Even those we commit ourselves to - will let us down. That is just the way things are. The one person in my life who is supposed to be my best friend, doesn't even really know me. They know who they want me to be - and who I was - but they have not kept up. That is just people.

You have a decision to make. You can let these things bother you and make you miserable. Or you can accept that they are what they are. Your past made you who you are - but you continue to change. If you keep focussing on what happened, then you cannot grow and become the new you.

We are all here if you ever need to chat. Cannot promise everlasting friendship but can tell you that we are here now. And now is where you are so that kinda works out well.

I am curious though - if this was your second darkest moment - what was your worst ?

 

[D3nz]

I'm very sorry for what you went through. I don't have any advice, except to say the first step towards healing is acknowledging where it all went wrong, and you've done that. I can't even imagine what you went through so my words would be meaningless, but as the others have said, if you ever want someone to talk to, you'll find another person right here willing to listen.

 

[BloodrayneZA]

Sounds like mine minus the bullies. This time my psychologist blamed my parents because they wouldn't tell me the truth about my father. I fell into a deep depression at 13 and took me 20 ish years to learn to deal with it. I still don't have a purpose except for my spiritual path. Im pretty sure I've had a few NDEs (near death experiences) and have the feeling something happened to me as a child but no one will tell me anything. They keep lying to me because they know I don't remember anything beyond 5.

I've been through hell and back with 3 abusive ex's. People still taking advantage of me and its getting dangerous now because I'm about to lose my shit now and trying not to.

The only thing keeping me here is my nieces and nephews.

 

[sand_man]

Tough read OP. Sorry you had to endure that. For you to formulate relationships you need to trust. Not all humans are the rubbish that abused and bullied you during your school years. My wish for you is that you find decent individuals to befriend and surround yourself with.

 

[Seldom Bucket]

What you have posted reads almost, almost what I have gone through, and still do on some days. This does not help the matter when people on forums keep targeting you and keep trolling you.
I can never understand what you have and are going through but I can try to understand. Same as what Tribs said, PM me, can exchange numbers to chat on WhatsApp

 

[Urist]

School is over, people in the real world are much better. School is fucked up, and the social structure there is akin to a prison.
Speakng of which... Are those assholes that tried to murder you currently in prison? They shouldn't be allowed to walk free.

 

[AdrianH]

I remember your post on myBB.

I don't wish bad on you, but what did you want to achieve by posting here and telling everyone about your life? Since posting on myBB, what have you done to turn things around? Do you even want to turn things around? Are you looking for sympathy, advice, attention, friends?

 

[Tribs]

I remember your post on myBB.

I don't wish bad on you, but what did you want to achieve by posting here and telling everyone about your life? Since posting on myBB, what have you done to turn things around? Do you even want to turn things around? Are you looking for sympathy, advice, attention, friends?

This is a slightly different environment to myBB. I think people feel more comfortable showing compassion than they do there. I don't remember reading this post before - so I guess he gets to get input and understanding from more people than the usual trolls who would have said things like - why are you looking for help on a forum?!

He is possibly looking for all those things. Sometimes we get stuck. And we need help a few times - from different people - before we can get unstuck. Empathy and advice - while nice to have - won't really help. But it does make one feel less alone. Friends will definitely help - as he feels he doesn't have any at the moment.

 

[LD50]

My 2c..

What I've learned
1. Nobody truly understands the depths of another persons mind
2. Everybody has a story to tell about shit in their lives, none of it is unique. Neither is yours my boy
3. Some shit CAN leave damage
4. Human nature is to feel sorry for oneself when life sucks
5. A fulfilling life can be achieved by making choices and action those choices

@Sudo Panic , what are you now, 24..25? You have a LIFE ahead of you man.
Your letter here screams one thing for me; like @Tribs said, people sometimes get stuck. You are stuck buddy...

Now, you have 3 things going for you.
1. Your life (being alive)
2. The future
3. You know what your problems are

The good news is that YOU have control over ALL 3, too a very very large extent. Let's look at this quickly shall we?

1. Your life - take care of yourself, healthy body and mind. Excercise every day for a quick 15 -20min,. There's plenty of routines on the net you can do at home - and stick to it. Take supplements and eat healthy with some treats now and the. Have beers as well, unless there's religious objections

2. The future - well logic says you are alive so surely you are experiencing the future with every new morning.
Here's the thing, you can CHOOSE to LIVE in your future or DIE in your past. Interpret that idea any way you want but just know you can ALTER tomorrow and the days thereafter by making certain choices and actioning those choices

3 You know what your problems are - You lucky son of a bitch!! List these fuckers and see what you can do about them.
Example: You say you feel empty and that you have no purpose. Ask yourself why you feel empty, what does it even mean? Add a little purpose to your days. How about doing something for others in need? Wouldn't THAT give you some purpose? Surely you can find something in your community even under these circumstances. Explore other possibilities but don't hold back. JUMP IN

You might feel you're in "prison" now but you can get out. Listen to old Andy Dufresne

Please Note: If there's medical issues like depression you need to speak to a professional

 

[Tribs]

My 2c..

What I've learned
1. Nobody truly understands the depths of another persons mind
2. Everybody has a story to tell about shit in their lives, none of it is unique. Neither is yours my boy
3. Some shit CAN leave damage
4. Human nature is to feel sorry for oneself when life sucks
5. A fulfilling life can be achieved by making choices and action those choices

@Sudo Panic , what are you now, 24..25? You have a LIFE ahead of you man.
Your letter here screams one thing for me; like @Tribs said, people sometimes get stuck. You are stuck buddy...

Now, you have 3 things going for you.
1. Your life (being alive)
2. The future
3. You know what your problems are

The good news is that YOU have control over ALL 3, too a very very large extent. Let's look at this quickly shall we?

1. Your life - take care of yourself, healthy body and mind. Excercise every day for a quick 15 -20min,. There's plenty of routines on the net you can do at home - and stick to it. Take supplements and eat healthy with some treats now and the. Have beers as well, unless there's religious objections

2. The future - well logic says you are alive so surely you are experiencing the future with every new morning.
Here's the thing, you can CHOOSE to LIVE in your future or DIE in your past. Interpret that idea any way you want but just know you can ALTER tomorrow and the days thereafter by making certain choices and actioning those choices

3 You know what your problems are - You lucky son of a bitch!! List these fuckers and see what you can do about them.
Example: You say you feel empty and that you have no purpose. Ask yourself why you feel empty, what does it even mean? Add a little purpose to your days. How about doing something for others in need? Wouldn't THAT give you some purpose? Surely you can find something in your community even under these circumstances. Explore other possibilities but don't hold back. JUMP IN

You might feel you're in "prison" now but you can get out. Listen to old Andy Dufresne

Please Note: If there's medical issues like depression you need to speak to a professional

Well said!!!! Just want to add one thing. If you think you are suffering from depression (often goes with anxiety) - get it treated. You will not be able to do the above while you are depressed. You won't want to do it and you won't be able to see how possible it is. You will only hear negative and debilitating thoughts in your head. If you are hearing these - then go and get help.

 

[Y2K]

That is really heavy. Bullies are the worst - and it doesn't help to hear that they are that way because at some stage someone bullied them. To want to not exist anymore is a very dark place - but many of us have been at that point. Not always due to such violence though. You need to get someone you can talk to about it. You are 100% correct when you say it caused psychological trauma. And there is no quick cure to undo what was done to you. One thing you need to remember - you think you were weak then because you didn't fight back. But you survived all that - you are still here. That isn't something a weak person would have done. You can take ownership of that - you survived.

@Textile Guy guy is also right - you will meet many people in your life. You will be lucky to get less than 5 really close friends (and even then you won't tell them everything.). Even those we commit ourselves to - will let us down. That is just the way things are. The one person in my life who is supposed to be my best friend, doesn't even really know me. They know who they want me to be - and who I was - but they have not kept up. That is just people.

You have a decision to make. You can let these things bother you and make you miserable. Or you can accept that they are what they are. Your past made you who you are - but you continue to change. If you keep focussing on what happened, then you cannot grow and become the new you.

We are all here if you ever need to chat. Cannot promise everlasting friendship but can tell you that we are here now. And now is where you are so that kinda works out well.

I am curious though - if this was your second darkest moment - what was your worst ?

Thank you guys, I appreciate the words of wisdom. I'm not comfortable talking about the darkest moment, it's too much and thinking about it makes me feel like what I did was okay. I feel responsible for what happened.

 

[Y2K]

School is over, people in the real world are much better. School is fucked up, and the social structure there is akin to a prison.
Speakng of which... Are those assholes that tried to murder you currently in prison? They shouldn't be allowed to walk free.

One of the men is related to my darkest moment, I saw him 3 years later, I was coming from work via the train.

 

[Y2K]

I remember your post on myBB.

I don't wish bad on you, but what did you want to achieve by posting here and telling everyone about your life? Since posting on myBB, what have you done to turn things around? Do you even want to turn things around? Are you looking for sympathy, advice, attention, friends?

Getting it out helps, I don't want to keep it in anymore, getting some sort of response from my fellow members makes me feel less lonely, there's people that understand me here more than anybody I've met irl. Some days I'm extremely happy for no apparent reason, no reason at all, other days it gets so dark that I feel guilty because of my thought process. I don't expect you all to get it or care and that's okay, I'm surrounded by people that make me feel like I can be my honest self. Nobody else not even family gets that close.

 

[AdrianH]

Getting it out helps, I don't want to keep it in anymore, getting some sort of response from my fellow members makes me feel less lonely, there's people that understand me here more than anybody I've met irl. Some days I'm extremely happy for no apparent reason, no reason at all, other days it gets so dark that I feel guilty because of my thought process. I don't expect you all to get it or care and that's okay, I'm surrounded by people that make me feel like I can be my honest self. Nobody else not even family gets that close.

I seem to recall you having financial issues last year unless I am thinking of somebody else. Have you resolved that?

Regardless though, what have you planned to do for May, something new or something you used to enjoy doing? Simple things like going for a walk or gymming.

Are you living alone right now?

 

[Urist]

Getting it out helps, I don't want to keep it in anymore, getting some sort of response from my fellow members makes me feel less lonely, there's people that understand me here more than anybody I've met irl. Some days I'm extremely happy for no apparent reason, no reason at all, other days it gets so dark that I feel guilty because of my thought process. I don't expect you all to get it or care and that's okay, I'm surrounded by people that make me feel like I can be my honest self. Nobody else not even family gets that close.

Yeah no, it's cool
There's a certain degree of anonymity that helps as well. Need to get back at the fuckers that tried to kill you though. Karma's a bitch, but the law should run it's course as well, did you get a lawyer after the incident?