Parenting toddlers - the pleasure and the pain

[CloudStroller]

I have an 18-month-old boy who is a non-stop delight.

It's not the delight part that's the problem. It's the non-stop part.

How does any normal human being actually successfully get a child past the toddler stage without collapsing or going mad? We have another one on the way, due in January. Our first as a newborn was pretty easy to deal with, even until crawling. Once he started walking though, things got pretty crazy at home.

Working from home hasn't helped but I was starting to feel kind of overwhelmed even pre-lockdown. The wife is a stay-at-home mom (with a sideline in photography, though this is seldom more than a few hours a week) and it feels as though from standing up in the morning, every waking moment is either chores or management of the toddler (feeding, bathing, putting to bed) with a little bit of interaction here and there. I feel bad because on those rare occasions where I do get to take him to the park or dig in the garden or what have you, we all have lots of fun, but I get so little opportunity and I feel as though I should spend more time with him.

Has anyone lived through this process? What did you do?

 

[biometrics]

Where's all the parents?

@Spizz @Tribs @Arzy @Mad_Dog @Sinbad @GreGorGy @LD50 @Mortymoose @Dave @Hamish the Cow @emam @The_Mowgs etc...

 

[Arzy]

The fuk is this?

 

[Spizz]

If I can give one bit of advice is to make sure they have a bedtime routine and get to bed same time every night. Bath at 7, story at quarter past, lights out at 7.30 kind of thing. Then leave the room and let them fall asleep on their own.

It might be painful for a few nights getting them used to it when they scream for you to come back, they are not tired etc. But that evening time is essential after the long and tiring days.

 

[CloudStroller]

If I can give one bit of advice is to make sure they have a bedtime routine and get to bed same time every night. Bath at 7, story at quarter past, lights out at 7.30 kind of thing. Then leave the room and let them fall asleep on their own.

It might be painful for a few nights getting them used to it when they scream for you to come back, they are not tired etc. But that evening time is essential after the long and tiring days.

We do have a routine something like that, and it works (roughly) most nights. But then once the little boy is in bed, I just about always collapse as well because I'm exhausted. Come on, I'm 33, I shouldn't be going to bed at 20:30!

 

[Spizz]

We do have a routine something like that, and it works (roughly) most nights. But then once the little boy is in bed, I just about always collapse as well because I'm exhausted. Come on, I'm 33, I shouldn't be going to bed at 20:30!

It goes with the job. It's an investment for a couple of years before it starts getting easier and you get more time to yourself.

 

[biometrics]

The fuk is this?

You've got kids you want to donate, don't you?

 

[Dave]

Where's all the parents?

@Spizz @Tribs @Arzy @Mad_Dog @Sinbad @GreGorGy @LD50 @Mortymoose @Dave @Hamish the Cow @emam @The_Mowgs etc...

Well, in my case I now encourage my daughter to go away for a week, it's really peaceful when she's almost 4,000km away.

Might not work for the OP though...

 

[emam]

Where's all the parents?

@Spizz @Tribs @Arzy @Mad_Dog @Sinbad @GreGorGy @LD50 @Mortymoose @Dave @Hamish the Cow @emam @The_Mowgs etc...

I've forgotten
Gee, I have a 21 year old next week

But, in all seriousness, just go with the flow, it does get easier, and, before you know it, they won't need you anymore, and that is the worst feeling in the world

 

[Arzy]

I have an 18-month-old boy who is a non-stop delight.

It's not the delight part that's the problem. It's the non-stop part.

How does any normal human being actually successfully get a child past the toddler stage without collapsing or going mad? We have another one on the way, due in January. Our first as a newborn was pretty easy to deal with, even until crawling. Once he started walking though, things got pretty crazy at home.

Working from home hasn't helped but I was starting to feel kind of overwhelmed even pre-lockdown. The wife is a stay-at-home mom (with a sideline in photography, though this is seldom more than a few hours a week) and it feels as though from standing up in the morning, every waking moment is either chores or management of the toddler (feeding, bathing, putting to bed) with a little bit of interaction here and there. I feel bad because on those rare occasions where I do get to take him to the park or dig in the garden or what have you, we all have lots of fun, but I get so little opportunity and I feel as though I should spend more time with him.

Has anyone lived through this process? What did you do?

Welcome!

The only thing I can honestly suggest is to become accustomed to the permanent feeling of inadequacy. Every book, TV show, article and other parent is going to make it look easy and wonderful. You will have a library of activities and craft things pushed on you to do with your bundles of joy that you'll never get to. The more time you spend with them the more they will want. It. Does. Not. Stop. You will never be enough. There will never be enough hours in the day. There will never be enough days in a year. You will end up fighting with your partner. You will resent and blame each other for your inadequacy. You will beg each other for just a moment alone to get your thoughts together. You will crack and become frustrated and lash out.

And then your kid will smile at you or give you a hug and it will all be ok. You'll carry on with this. You will suck it all up. You will be inadequate. You will do all this and more because it's ok. You will take the punishment for that one smile or hug or kiss because it makes it all worth it.

Good. Now that that's out of the way.

My kids are 9 and 6 now and it does get easier as they get older but you end up with new concerns, demands and problems.

The best advice I have for you is to stop taking part in "competitive parenting". Ignore the books, videos and other parents. Find a solution that works for you and your partner. Be it a routine or allocating certain tasks amongst yourselves, it doesn't really matter, just find something that works for you both. Talk about your concerns and difficulties openly and work it out. Once you have something that works for both of you the kids tend to fall in place.

At the end of the day it's not about how many activities you do, how much you spend or any of that.

Be present when you do spend time with them and love them unconditionally. Give them love and more love and more love.

Do that and they'll be fine irrespective of whatever else you fuck up.

 

[Hamish the Cow]

It's tough. As soon as I had my 1st one, I stopped judging parents anymore. You see a kid, misbehaving anywhere, you're no longer upset at the parents, you feel sorry for them

Lord and Master of all Scotland

 

[BloodrayneZA]

We do have a routine something like that, and it works (roughly) most nights. But then once the little boy is in bed, I just about always collapse as well because I'm exhausted. Come on, I'm 33, I shouldn't be going to bed at 20:30!

It’s normal. My brother had gone through this 3 time’s. Girl is 6 and boy is 7, it does get easier as they get older. The youngest is 2 and is just about doing his own thing now.

also my mom gets the kids every school holidays so that my brother and his wife gets a break from them.

 

[Arzy]

also my mom gets the kids every school holidays so that my brother and his wife gets a break from them.

Lucky bastards.

 

[BloodrayneZA]

Lucky bastards.

Yeah I find that the older they get, the better things get. I had a video call with my mom and they all were there for the weekend. The girl and boy were so excited to see me and wouldn’t stop talking to me. Not seen them in person in just over a year and last spoke to them on my nephews birthday in March.

 

[LD50]

If I can give one bit of advice is to make sure they have a bedtime routine and get to bed same time every night. Bath at 7, story at quarter past, lights out at 7.30 kind of thing. Then leave the room and let them fall asleep on their own.

It might be painful for a few nights getting them used to it when they scream for you to come back, they are not tired etc. But that evening time is essential after the long and tiring days.

^this

 

[LD50]

It goes with the job. It's an investment for a couple of years before it starts getting easier and you get more time to yourself.

Investment?? You mean time and energy of course.
It's soul crushing the first few years
I would never encourage anyone to have kids, especially in this day and age.

 

[GreGorGy]

Mine are 22. So this is asking me to remember back to the late 90s. I was never big on discipline but their respective mothers were to one degree or another. That I feel struck a balance - dad was there to play with and hangout and be spoiled. I probably smothered them in love at that age. At the time, I could - I wasn't overly invested in anything except them. Sorry - I doubt I can offer any real advice.

 

[CloudStroller]

Thanks for all the feedback!

The best advice I have for you is to stop taking part in "competitive parenting". Ignore the books, videos and other parents. Find a solution that works for you and your partner. Be it a routine or allocating certain tasks amongst yourselves, it doesn't really matter, just find something that works for you both. Talk about your concerns and difficulties openly and work it out. Once you have something that works for both of you the kids tend to fall in place.

At the end of the day it's not about how many activities you do, how much you spend or any of that.

Be present when you do spend time with them and love them unconditionally. Give them love and more love and more love.

Do that and they'll be fine irrespective of whatever else you fuck up.

This really resonated with me, thanks. I'll admit that in a sense, lockdown has been helpful in this regard as we have seen so few other families since he turned 1 (just before the lockdown started) that there's nothing to make a comparison with.

I also fortunately am not really in the habit of reading parenting books / watching videos etc. unless there's really a very specific problem that I'm trying to solve.

 

[scudsucker]

Getting a vasectomy *really* helped with my peace of mind - immediately after my second. No chance of a third!

Not that it helped my sex life much, 3 years later the bed is still infested with small children (5yr and 3yr)

In my family we try to keep up a regular routine - but not worry too much if we break it, eg visiting grandparents. My wife is the "bad cop" and I am the "good cop" - this works well because when I do lose my temper they KNOW they have been really naughty.

 

[Textile Guy]

I have a 26 year old son who was a non stop kid.
The guys still only sleeps 4 hours a day if that .............

I also have a 22 year old son ..........




I have a feeling your second will be a very different child to your first.