Online Dating

OCP

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... but then you have baggage, and I'd equally ask the young ladies (without baggage) why they'd even consider dating a man with baggage instead of all the men who don't.

Basically your case is just as tough as it is for all the divorced woman out there with kids. All I can say is good luck, can't be easy.
Good question - I can assure you that in my case they all suffer from extremely poor vision, judgement in character and have a tendency for bad life choices ;-)
 

satanboy

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Interchangeably for either sex? -- if so, that's kind of weird.
My male friends would think I've gone loopy if I referred to our time together as a date, and my wife would slap me if I ever referred to meeting my female friends as going on a date.
Maybe I am weird.

It's just a word....date...doesn't mean sex in my world.
 

OCP

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Interchangeably for either sex? -- if so, that's kind of weird.
My male friends would think I've gone loopy if I referred to our time together as a date, and my wife would slap me if I ever referred to meeting my female friends as going on a date.
It again depends on your definition of a "date".

I have date nights with my girls where we spend time just the 2 of us.
Their age gap is 3 years but EQ wise they are a little further apart atm (9 and 12) so doing things they both like is a challenge.
1 on 1 quality time is precious and they love it.
 
R

[)roi(]

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Good question - I can assure you that in my case they all suffer from extremely poor vision, judgement in character and have a tendency for bad life choices ;-)
In your position sure... but things would be different for a man who is financially secure without baggage -- and if your goal was to seek a life partner for marriage + to have a family, then you'd skip all the sluts (incl. those looking out for a sugar daddy), and also those who are career focused (e.g. those that say they don't want kids now...but maybe later).

For a person in your position; it's unlikely a young woman would want to be hitched to your present baggage, and the one's that would probably don't have good intentions (e.g. sugar daddy kind). The age and independence of your kids naturally changes this... if your commitment is 24/7/365, then I assume they're quite young -- so it's a no go for now. Good thing is that once they are you'll be able to wade in those waters if you want of course.
 
R

[)roi(]

Guest
Maybe I am weird.

It's just a word....date...doesn't mean sex in my world.
All words have specific meanings -- the fact they're neutral to you, doesn't make it so for everyone.
I'd bet most of the people on dating websites wouldn't consider a date as the equivalent to just going out with a friend, nor would they equate it with just trying to find a friend for sex -- they'd instead be using the date to assess whether the person is suitable for something more serious / committed. When I go out with friends, that never comes into play.
 
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OCP

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In your position sure... but things would be different for a man who is financially secure without baggage -- and if your goal was to seek a life partner for marriage + to have a family, then you'd skip all the sluts (incl. those looking out for a sugar daddy), and also those who are career focused (e.g. those that say they don't want kids now...but maybe later).

For a person in your position; it's unlikely a young woman would want to be hitched to your present baggage, and the one's that would probably don't have good intentions (e.g. sugar daddy kind). The age and independence of your kids naturally changes this... if your commitment is 24/7/365, then I assume they're quite young -- so it's a no go for now. Good thing is that once they are you'll be able to wade in those waters if you want of course.
I was kidding ;-)

Seriously though - I had a 2 year relationship with a lady same age as me who has 2 girls similar ages as mine.
All went very well until they moved in and lockdown hit when she was no longer able to hide a serious drinking problem that she was not willing to resolve or seek help for. Our kids are still best friends and have them come/sleep over all the time.

Currently dating a lady with a daughter slightly younger than my youngest. We spend time twice a week going for dates as well as doing fun stuff with the kids. Weekend after next we are going camping (my kids have several friends coming with including one of me ex's)

Dating with kids is not baggage; it's more complicated for sure but certainly not all negative.

You would be surprised to know how many woman out there are keen to be "hitched" and have nothing but good intentions.
 
R

[)roi(]

Guest
I was kidding ;-)

Seriously though - I had a 2 year relationship with a lady same age as me who has 2 girls similar ages as mine.
All went very well until they moved in and lockdown hit when she was no longer able to hide a serious drinking problem that she was not willing to resolve or seek help for. Our kids are still best friends and have them come/sleep over all the time.

Currently dating a lady with a daughter slightly younger than my youngest. We spend time twice a week going for dates as well as doing fun stuff with the kids. Weekend after next we are going camping (my kids have several friends coming with including one of me ex's)

Dating with kids is not baggage; it's more complicated for sure but certainly not all negative.

You would be surprised to know how many woman out there are keen to be "hitched" and have nothing but good intentions.
I'm happily married with kids, and yes if I was in your position my kids would be baggage for a younger woman who doesn't have kids
It certainly would be less than ideal for her, especially if she wanted her own kids, because I wouldn't; I already have kids.

Simply said it's a perspective thing, my kids are not baggage for me, and I'm sure yours are not baggage for you either... but they're certainly baggage for any woman who does not have kids. Also baggage doesn't just refer to kids; it's the ex husband, the emotional scars, the financial standing, etc.

All I can say is that you're brave to be considering the moving in thing.... I'd wouldn't contemplate anything like that without an extended and thorough evaluation period and naturally the well being of my kids would be priority #1. Hence if I was in your position I'd probably be more inclined to secure the "friends with benefit" kind of relationship (until they're much older) to specifically avoid the complications of a woman with baggage.
 

emam

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I was kidding ;-)

Seriously though - I had a 2 year relationship with a lady same age as me who has 2 girls similar ages as mine.
All went very well until they moved in and lockdown hit when she was no longer able to hide a serious drinking problem that she was not willing to resolve or seek help for. Our kids are still best friends and have them come/sleep over all the time.

Currently dating a lady with a daughter slightly younger than my youngest. We spend time twice a week going for dates as well as doing fun stuff with the kids. Weekend after next we are going camping (my kids have several friends coming with including one of me ex's)

Dating with kids is not baggage; it's more complicated for sure but certainly not all negative.

You would be surprised to know how many woman out there are keen to be "hitched" and have nothing but good intentions.
You broke up????
Sorry to hear.... You were so happy
 
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emam

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@biometrics.... Here's Emam in serious mode.
Give tinder another go... You have nothing to lose. I've never had a bad date or met a horrible person on there (well, there's the O, who's still around, 3 years later, but he's a unique case ) ... It's easy to sift the real shit and con artists out, unless I'm just very perceptive when it comes to people.
I actually met my dream man on tinder but, alas, he lives in Pretoria, and it just didn't work out....
 
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Rudolph Hart

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I'd bet most of the people on dating websites wouldn't consider a date as the equivalent to just going out with a friend, nor would they equate it with just trying to find a friend for sex -- they'd instead be using the date to assess whether the person is suitable for something more serious / committed.
One of the first things you discuss (usually on WhatsApp before you’ve even met) is what kind of relationship you’re looking for. The better websites also have what your preferred relationship type is as part of their compatibility calculations. And part of the dating process is chatting and getting to know each other so that you can decide what works for both of you. Quite often what works for one doesn’t work for the other and you go your separate ways.

Relying on everyone using the same specific dictionary definition of a word is a recipe for misunderstanding.
 
R

[)roi(]

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One of the first things you discuss (usually on WhatsApp before you’ve even met) is what kind of relationship you’re looking for. The better websites also have what your preferred relationship type is as part of their compatibility calculations. And part of the dating process is chatting and getting to know each other so that you can decide what works for both of you. Quite often what works for one doesn’t work for the other and you go your separate ways.

Relying on everyone using the same specific dictionary definition of a word is a recipe for misunderstanding.
If the word "dating" is considered such a complexity... then I'd hate to be privy to the whatsapp conservation; which most certainly would require a lot more dictionary words than dating. ;)

IMO one reason why some struggle on these sites could be because they're on a dating site looking for something that the site does not cater primarily to e.g. NSA sex; whereas that would be implied on the sites which focus on matching couples seeking that.
 

Rudolph Hart

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If the word "dating" is considered such a complexity... then I'd hate to be privy to the whatsapp conservation; which most certainly would require a lot more dictionary words than dating. ;)

IMO one reason why some struggle on these sites could be because they're on a dating site looking for something that the site does not cater primarily to e.g. NSA sex; whereas that would be implied on the sites which focus on matching couples seeking that.
I think you’re the one trying to complicate the word. Everyone else seems to have a similar understanding of a broader meaning.

I’m curious - you say you’re happily married, yet you’re telling people how to use online dating sites. How much actual experience do you have of them and how much of your opinion is based on hearsay?
 
R

[)roi(]

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I think you’re the one trying to complicate the word. Everyone else seems to have a similar understanding of a broader meaning.

I’m curious - you say you’re happily married, yet you’re telling people how to use online dating sites. How much actual experience do you have of them and how much of your opinion is based on hearsay?
Words are facts for languages -- the specific meaning of a word was so important that dictionaries were created and maintained to dissolve unnecessary contention by presenting the historical facts related to their contextual meaning. Words are facts and like science are not, or have ever been, changeable by popular consensus.

Even a modern site like Wikipedia does not conflate its modern contextual use with the counter arguments presented in this thread -- its end goal is not a mystery.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Dating is a stage of romantic relationships practised in Western societies whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship. It represents a form of courtship, consisting of social activities carried out by the couple, either alone or with others. The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from society to society and over time. While the term has several meanings, the most frequent usage refers to two people exploring whether they are romantically or sexually compatible by participating in dates with the other. With the use of modern technology, people can date via telephone or computer or arrange to meet in person.

Dating may also involve two or more people who have already decided that they share romantic or sexual feelings toward each other. These people may have dates on a regular basis, and they may or may not be having sexual relations. This period of courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement. Some cultures require or encourage people to wait until reaching a certain age before beginning dating, which has become a source of controversy.

As for my experience with dating sites; like many people living in the modern era of computing and the internet... I met my wife through datingbuzz.co.za just over 16 years ago -- we both were there for the same purpose; to meet someone who wanted to get married and start a family with a partner that shared the same / similar set of ethics.

Fake profiles, less than truthful people, people with baggage, etc. are not a new challenges; they've existing pretty much from the beginning -- and it's certainly never been the strict domain of either men or woman. I had far too many dates that were built up from an online persona that was either partly or completely disingenuous; they of course fell apart rather quickly on the first date; for obvious reasons; leaving one ultimately feeling despondent -- pondering whether these platforms are just filled with heaps of bullshit and disingenuous people.

Put yourself in someone's shoes who wants to find a life partner to start a family with... the last thing they desire is meeting someone who has conflated the purpose of dating with friendship, NSA sex, or some other arbitrary definition of the term dating.

I can't imagine it's fun for those looking for NSA sex to link up with those who strictly want a life partner (e.g. no sex before marriage) -- isn't this why there are today sites like Tinder, AdultFriendFinder and the like to make it easier to single out people who are in the same headspace as you are. There certainly aren't AFAIK any other sites for those who strictly want to date people who want to find a potential life partner with the goal to start a family -- contextually that's what dating sites were created for after-all.
 
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satanboy

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Words are facts for languages -- the specific meaning of a word was so important that dictionaries were created and maintained to dissolve unnecessary contention by presenting the historical facts related to their contextual meaning. Words are facts and like science are not, or have ever been, changeable by popular consensus.

Even a modern site like Wikipedia does not conflate its modern contextual use with the counter arguments presented in this thread -- its end goal is not a mystery.


As for my experience with dating sites; like many people living in the modern era of computing and the internet... I met my wife through datingbuzz.co.za just over 16 years ago -- we both were there for the same purpose; to meet someone who wanted to get married and start a family with a partner that shared the same / similar set of ethics.

Fake profiles, less than truthful people, people with baggage, etc. are not a new challenges; they've existing pretty much from the beginning -- and it's certainly never been the strict domain of either men or woman. I had far too many dates that were built up from an online persona that was either partly or completely disingenuous; they of course fell apart rather quickly on the first date; for obvious reasons; leaving one ultimately feeling despondent -- pondering whether these platforms are just filled with heaps of bullshit and disingenuous people.

Put yourself in someone's shoes who wants to find a life partner to start a family with... the last thing they desire is meeting someone who has conflated the purpose of dating with friendship, NSA sex, or some other arbitrary definition of the term dating.

I can't imagine it's fun for those looking for NSA sex to link up with those who strictly want a life partner (e.g. no sex before marriage) -- isn't this why there are today sites like Tinder, AdultFriendFinder and the like to make it easier to single out people who are in the same headspace as you are. There certainly aren't AFAIK any other sites for those who strictly want to date people who want to find a potential life partner with the goal to start a family -- contextually that's what dating sites were created for after-all.
Cool

and I don't mean a temperature

Most people don't communicate in one word sentences or grunts. After a 20 minute conversation during a "date" I am pretty sure both parties will probably be on the same page. Of course there are the odd few idiots.
 

Rudolph Hart

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I can't imagine it's fun for those looking for NSA sex to link up with those who strictly want a life partner (e.g. no sex before marriage)
So you don’t remember the bit where you checked boxes on what kind of relationship you were looking for? You know, long-term, activity partners, that sort of thing. It’s there because not all people are looking for the same thing.

The term online dating has developed its own meaning, and as much as you try to force your chosen definition onto it, it doesn’t mean others will agree with you.
 
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